Painting it Silver
by regenerate
Summary: i'm in love with my own sins


* * *

Okay, this is my first Zeki, so go easy on me, yeah? Gift!fic for Sydney, aka, i.dance.in.the.rain.  
Because I'm bored, and because I might love you. A little bit. Set in Zero's POV. Changes from 3rd to 1st Person. Enjoy.

* * *

**painting it silver**

_**"**Does it hurt?"_

She has the biggest honey-colored eyes he has ever seen.

She loosens his collar and presses her palm against his neck,  
marveling at how her pretty white fingers are stained red.  
Don't touch that, he wants to warn her; because against her skin  
the color is so _wrong. _But his voice is a weak gurgle.

"_I'm sorry." _She whispers; her eyes overly bright and her lips trembling  
something sad and awful. And he wonders why she doesn't turn away.

(She should have turned away then, )

_"I'll be right back, " _She says instead, and rushes to get bandages.

As he faints, he sees her white, white skin, covered in his blood.

(And she should turn away now.)

* * *

Being with Yuuki since that day was one word.

_Gentle. _

Everyday, he would hear so many voices, in so many tones, and so many ranges.  
And he didn't listen to many people. But he didn't need to in order to hear that voice.  
A voice he doesn't recognize by tone, range or pitch.

(He recognizes it by _heart. )_

And against his will, against everything, Zero's heart beats in tune with Yuuki's.

_"Hi Zero!"_

x

"..Hey Zero, will you push me?"

Yuuki tilts her head to the side; at the angle where there's just enough hair over her ear and  
not enough to cover her neck. Her sweet, _terrible, _neck. And he swallows, his violet eyes  
pushing back the fog of red and chanting in his head, (_NotYuukiNotYuuki--)_

"..."

x

( And you watch her, with her hands outstretched and her head tilted back; and you don't look at the red veins shining see-through against her skin, you're more enchanted with the way the sunlight hits her hair and the way she sits against the swing, so small. So _right. _

And you should leave her there. You should walk away and never come back. Because  
you're made for hurting things and Yuuki will be the fastest one to break.

But you're too selfish, and you're more of a _monster _than a person now,  
and that is what makes you step behind her and her little back and  
let your hands curl against the metal straps and it's what makes you  
unconsciously slide them down to where her hands grip.

And they are so_. small. _

_"Zero?"_

And you push her, and she's _flying. _And there has never been a more beautiful or more painful image.  
And each push she goes up, and she's flying away from you.

And you can't deny the surging relief when she comes down. )

x

Blindfolded, you lead her; the Chairman giggling behind and it would have been _so perfect _  
if **he **hadn't been there. With his sweet smiling and his red eyes that were set only for her.  
And Yuuki is so _trusting; _laughing and giggling.

"Where are we going, Zero?" She's leaning her head against the middle of you chest;  
her hands reaching up to clasp the ones resting so gently on her shoulders.

And her touch drives you into a frenzy of burning pain and throbbing happiness.

And you'll beat Kaname to it. Because you aren't the gold metal, but at least you're the silver she'd  
hang underneath it. And you whisper in a voice hoarse with lack of use,  
"It's a surprise."

_(And everyone cheers as you untie the blindfold. And her eyes are wide and shining and  
she's eyeing him and then looking at you and vice versa. And you know one day he'll steal her away.  
And maybe it's best. Maybe she'll finally be saved. Because you're a monster, aren't you? And could she be any  
more beautiful than she is right now?)_

"Happy Birthday, Yuuki, " You whisper hoarsely.

_(Because thank God she was born to save you.)_

x

People are getting ready to go celebrate the opening of the school.  
But he's in a girl's bright pink room; tying her necklace and pulling back her hair.

"Zero! Quick! Tie the ribbon!" She's waving her hands frantically, her tightly rolled curls darker  
than satin against her bare shoulders. And he hesitates, fingering the lacy blue strings and meeting her eyes,  
shining brighter than starlight. And he ties it around her neck, the spidery-red lace of her veins shining like molten lava against her skin and it's all he can do to finish tying the knot.

"How do I look?" She whispers; her voice small. And he looks at her. Glittering softly in her little blue dress and her eyes pools of light. Her cheeks blushing. Her heart pounding.

_"...Beautiful."_

x

He winces at night, groaning in pain sometimes. It's her that places the cold rag on his face an whispers why he's in pain. Why she hears him at night. He tells her its nothing, and thanks her. And she smiles at the blank expression on his face; but if Yuuki could _see _how his heart leaped when she smiled. If she had _any idea _that she was _saving _someone, he wonders if she would smile even wider.

But he forgot how to smile; but around Yuuki, he feels he might be able to once more.

x

And you knew time was short. Because the pain comes quicker than it used to and it's more painful to look at Yuuki now. But that never made you stop looking at her, did it? Never made you stop wanting to touch and hold and kiss her.  
Except this time, the monster that is you wins. This time, you know Yuuki can't save you.

And now, you can't save her from yourself.

"I still want to talk to you.."

She whispers to you, and you can't speak because your throat is in flames

..but you would have told her that you _still wanted to listen._

"I want to know more about you.." And you don't know how to cry, but if you could,  
you would have told her that all she needed to know is that _you are the boy who **loves **her._

"Because we're the same--"

"**_No we aren't..!"_** You choke, because you will never be like Yuuki. Who is good,  
who is beautiful, who is sweet and kind and will be hurt by someone like you.

**"_ We aren't..."_**

And she's still saying she's _sorry._ And you hate yourself because,  
at this moment your eyes are glued to the red veins snaking beneath  
her white, white skin.

(_It hurts doesn't it? I'm sorry. I'll be right back--Let me help you..I'm sorry, )_

And you want to stop, because she's _Yuuki._

(nothatsyuukiyou_loveheryouloveher_yuukirememberyuukiremember--)

And you **love **her.

But you're still a monster.

x

But your heart is the same, still leaping painfully in flips over her eyes, and her thick little eyelashes; and her cute little mouth. And you wish she'd have flown out of the swing all those days ago; wished she'd soared up into heaven where people like her belong.

(Because there's no way someone like you could _ever _belong with her. And. It's. So. Foolish. To. Even. Try.)

And you pull her into an embrace. (_Something you'll never ever have.)_

And you hold her, (_As if you and her actually belonged together.)_

And you drink her dry.

(_Because this is all of Yuuki you will ever ever get.)_

_x_

And the world becomes red and you vaguely remember telling yourself that you would never ever  
do this to Yuuki.

(_Because even as a monster you still love her.)_

"...Z-zero..." She wobbles on her feet, her eyes feverish and her cheeks red. There's so muchblood_somuchbloodsomuchblood. _And there's a sick kind of relief in your eyes.  
It's like she was walking blindfolded through all her life with you, unable to see what you had _really become._

Her eyes go to your teeth, sharp and pointed, stained in red, and the blood caking your chin and your mouth and it's _everywhere. _And you want to tell her, _This is who I am, Yuuki. _And your heart breaks.

"Yuuki..."

(This is who I am.)

And she wobbles, and even now she is falling towards you. And you wonder if she'll ever fall for the feel of being in your arms. If she'll ever feel for the fall of you catching her.

"I'm so sorry.."

Monster.

x

But somehow, Yuuki forgives you.  
Somehow, Yuuki still wants to _save _you.

"I'll help you, " She promises earnestly one day; chewing one a strawberry while throwing one at you; before grabbing your hand like nothing has happened. Like nothing has changed. Grabbing your hand and pulling you out into the sunshine like you belong there.

(And you realize that you want to belong with Yuuki. More than anything else.)

_You just want to be with her._

_x_

"...I'm going to be here." She whispers to you once, her eyes filling with tears.  
You want to wipe them with your finger and pull her into your arms, but you don't deserve that much.

"I'm always going to be here..."

So instead you put a hand on her head and stroke her hair; whispering back that you know.

x

And so you'll stay with Yuuki. Monster that you are.  
_..because she is the only one that can save you._

_Blargh! Epic fail. Review anyway? :(  
I tried Syd! ; I hope you kind of like it._


End file.
